So I logged into my fake Facebook account, The Mighty Thor, like I usually do to accept friend invites and I noticed that I had a message.

Subject: your favorite day

Message: You might want to change your favorite day to Thursday, as Thursday was originally named after you, o' great Thor. Thor'sday became distorted to Thursday.

May your enemies be crushed beneath thy great hammer.

Guess the joke wasn't as obvious as I thought.

Oh, and the White Sox won the world series in case you haven't heard. Yup.

|

When the Chicago White Sox last won the World Series in 1917, the world was a very different place. In fact:

Europe was in The Great War
the Ottoman Empire existed
Russia had a czar
Germany had a Kaiser
Daylight saving time didn't exist nor did US time zones
Gas didn't have a tax
The Grand Canyon wasn't a national park
Women weren't recognized nationally with a right to vote
Joan of Arc wasn't a saint
The Lord of the Rings books didn't exist
Al Capone had never been to Chicago
Reader's Digest didn't exist
Time Magazine didn't exist
The New Yorker didn't exist
The Lincoln Memorial wasn't completed
Theodore Roosevelt was alive
Robert Todd Lincoln (Lincoln's son) was alive
US Nickels had buffalos on them
Pennies had wheat on the back
The US quarter featured a topless Liberty
People cared about hockey and started the National Hockey League

|

Recently, after many years of research with government grants and countless man-hours that could have been better spent elsewhere, I have discovered the single formula that explains every step of conversation and human interaction that I take with other people. I can now predict what I say, what I will then say, how others will react and and whole cycle of conversing with only a .001% margin of error. Truly remarkable and fascinating.

Of course, if I tell you this formula and you know the dark (and I mean DARK dark) truth behind my words and themes of conversation, then all this research will be void because you'll know the process and try to avoid it making all that research and government grants a waste. So for science, I cannot tell you the answer and you'll have to figure it out.

Or ask me kindly next time you meet me. I dunno. Whatever.

|

Taken from another blog...

Regarding tonight's Lotto draw

Wow! I mean, wow. I have a lot of apologizing to do.

First let me state that I did not win Powerball tonight, despite that many calls to your cell phone implying otherwise... but that isn't why I am writing. I am writing because I feel I handled things poorly. Turns out the numbers by buddy Larry gave me earlier were not the winning numbers, and I am not the proud owner of a 340 million dollar winning ticket. That being said... I want you to know that I value each and every one of you. Specifically, though, there is some stuff I need to clear up.


To my friends: You are not fags, nor the mayor of jerktown (population you). That was a census error on my part, for which I accept full responsibility. Your woman is not a fat pig, nor are your children untalented and unbearable retards. This was a temporary lapse in judgement which we have all faltered from.



To my work: I do not quit, and you do not have to go fuck yourselves. That was a lot of caffeine and sugar talking. I did not key your cars, nor did I shit in your briefcases... as was previously (erroneously) reported. I value both you and my job and ask you to take me back. Please!


To my wife: You are not a gold digging whore who has seen the last of this sweet sweet ass. I handled that poorly, and beg of you to let me come back home. Please know that you are number one in my life, and had I won I would have absolutely shared every penny with you. Besides, my lawyer says you would have taken half anyway.


To my lawyer: I have only known you for about four hours, so it't not like we were close. Also, technically you were on 'retainer', right? Thing is, I didn't win the lottery and do not need the following services that I so desperately requested ealier: a divorce, an emancipation from my family, diplomatic immunity, quit claim deed to my house and truck, a safe deposit box under the name Archibald Leesh in Acapulco, 300 million dollars in non transferable swiss francs. Really, there wasn't much of that you probably got done in four hours... and I only actually have $38 currently in my account.


To my peers at work: You need not 'suck it'. That was taken out of context and frankly at least half my fault. Regardless of what I said, I have always liked you and have not slept with hardly any of your spouses recently.


To that cop: I have never hit a cop before. That is not my style, and I pray the court for leniance. It was bad judgement on my part, and probably not nearly as funny as it seemed at the time.

|

There is a heavy burden in my heart and a deep struggle within my soul, pulling my emotions and thoughts every which way. I really want to kick a pigeon. You might say I'm experiencing what Sartre talked about with internal struggle and BLAH BLAH BLAH! I just really want to kick a pigeon. I want to run up to a pigeon and kick it like it was a field goal attempt and the Super Bowl rested on it.

And I think more than ever that pigeons need to be kicked. City pigeons have a tendency to be oblivious to external dangers. Have you ever seen a pigeon get run over by an SUV? Have you ever seen that same pigeon carcass then run over by a city bus and explode in a burst of dirty goo? On the one hand, you can just assume that pigeons are a stupid species. But I think there's more to it than that. I think pigeons are cocky. They've lived in the city side-by-side with humans for so long that they think that they're our peers. Strutting up and down the street like they earned it. Monsters!

And so a pigeon will be on the street one day, pecking at a piece of bread when suddenly I turn the corner. I look at him, he looks at me, a tear comes to its eye and I break its tiny tiny bird heart as the toe of my boot collapses its chest resulting in a feathery arc that any physics professor would be proud of.

|

WHITE SOX WIN THE PENNANT!!!!!!11OMGWTFBBQ11!!!!

|

City workers are currently tearing up the front of my house with a Jack hammer AANNNDDD they'll be using my house to reach the back faster meaning I have to stay up and wait in the living room so they don't steal anything. MOTHERLESS FUCK!

|

|

I'm gonna be doing a lot of writing and posting in the coming weeks. Random ramblings the world has never seen! I have a bunch of material backed up and I just need to get it all typed soon and by soon I really mean soon. Not like all those other times I lied to you or that time I lied under oath. THIS time is probably for realz!

Also, I'll be posting my three part epic story about a magical land of food. Part one will be called The Rise of the Muffin King, part two will be The Fall of Comrade Gingerbread and part three will be The Final Battle at Mount Caramelgeddon. I'm really excited so let's see how it all works out.

|